4.26.14
I thought this blog portal would slowly dissipate as I turned my attention to my creative outlet (The Splendor Display), where I transitioned from having my private thoughts blasted on social media to designing more of an artistic space for myself. But more than often I have things to say, and while it’s for personal reasons that I put my thoughts into writing, I also felt that sharing could possibly encourage the people who might empathize. So, if this interests you at all, go right along.
For the past month, I found myself in a deep, dark rut. The kind of rut that was so deep that the visibility of light, also known as hope, was for the very first time absent. I’ve had my fair share of ups and downs, or so I think, but never before had the urge to “give up” been such a pressing enticement. The major source of my frustrations came from the inability to understand my emotions. Let me tell you, for anyone with strong and sometimes uncontrollable emotions (like myself), the vicious cycle of going from pleasant highs to punishing lows gets tiring. After shifting again and again, you come to a point where you stop in your tracks and wonder whether this is the life you’ll just have to accept. For me, the fear of disappointment, the hatred towards emotional inconsistency, along with my utter powerlessness kept me paralyzed in the pit. I refused to stand back up this time, not knowing what I would possibly do with myself if I fell back down again. Weeks of this, and then, a friday afternoon chat with a dear friend over pretzels and americano birthed some fresh understanding, and, in a moments time, a revelation.
I have faith for many things. I believe in the profound goodness of God, and the power of Jesus Christ who defeated (past tense!) every bondage, sickness and disease 2,000 years ago. The glorious character of God, I could never question. When it came to the nitty gritty of my own emotional disposition, my incessant falling backwards to the same dreary place however, I began to wonder where Christ’s power applied. Did it? And better yet, could it? My thoughts are so strong, God created me this way I know, yet, how could God intervene something when He created it? Pause. And this is where things got twisted. 
The original design. God created some people to be highly emotional, some far more than others (which explains why two people can have the same traumatic experience and one overcomes while the other succumbs to tragedy). But the original intent of creating mankind was — according to Genesis — to bless them. God did not (!!) create emotional people so that we would struggle in the tides of repeated despair while the more level headed folks could reap the cream of the crops, no. In making us highly susceptible to our emotions, there was divine love and intention — that we would (through Christ) walk in freedom, joy, love, peace, even pure bliss, and every good thing. And that’s when it occurred to me like fresh baked revy from heaven, God is the creator of beautiful things.
I walked away from that afternoon’s conversation with so much conviction to guard my mind with the shield of truth, to allow the revelations of who God is and who I am to marinate until my mind is renewed and actually transformed. The joy of sincere repentance overcame me. And what I learned from all of this is this: it is foolishly dangerous to use revelations to bring us out of trouble into a feel-good state only to forget them, because even the strongest emotions will not sustain us before another hiccup comes down the road. True victory and triumphant transformation will take place when we hold onto God’s word for dear life until we can stand upon it and move forward. And the good news is, God is, to a very great degree, generous with revelation. Ah. All of a sudden “sanctification” sounds so sweet. It’s that life-long journey that I used to hate hearing about, that process to be like Christ, to step into our intended design until one day we can actually walk in the radiating fullness of it all. The original design, what a thought.

I thought this blog portal would slowly dissipate as I turned my attention to my creative outlet (The Splendor Display), where I transitioned from having my private thoughts blasted on social media to designing more of an artistic space for myself. But more than often I have things to say, and while it’s for personal reasons that I put my thoughts into writing, I also felt that sharing could possibly encourage the people who might empathize. So, if this interests you at all, go right along.

For the past month, I found myself in a deep, dark rut. The kind of rut that was so deep that the visibility of light, also known as hope, was for the very first time absent. I’ve had my fair share of ups and downs, or so I think, but never before had the urge to “give up” been such a pressing enticement. The major source of my frustrations came from the inability to understand my emotions. Let me tell you, for anyone with strong and sometimes uncontrollable emotions (like myself), the vicious cycle of going from pleasant highs to punishing lows gets tiring. After shifting again and again, you come to a point where you stop in your tracks and wonder whether this is the life you’ll just have to accept. For me, the fear of disappointment, the hatred towards emotional inconsistency, along with my utter powerlessness kept me paralyzed in the pit. I refused to stand back up this time, not knowing what I would possibly do with myself if I fell back down again. Weeks of this, and then, a friday afternoon chat with a dear friend over pretzels and americano birthed some fresh understanding, and, in a moments time, a revelation.

I have faith for many things. I believe in the profound goodness of God, and the power of Jesus Christ who defeated (past tense!) every bondage, sickness and disease 2,000 years ago. The glorious character of God, I could never question. When it came to the nitty gritty of my own emotional disposition, my incessant falling backwards to the same dreary place however, I began to wonder where Christ’s power applied. Did it? And better yet, could it? My thoughts are so strong, God created me this way I know, yet, how could God intervene something when He created it? Pause. And this is where things got twisted. 

The original design. God created some people to be highly emotional, some far more than others (which explains why two people can have the same traumatic experience and one overcomes while the other succumbs to tragedy). But the original intent of creating mankind was — according to Genesis — to bless them. God did not (!!) create emotional people so that we would struggle in the tides of repeated despair while the more level headed folks could reap the cream of the crops, no. In making us highly susceptible to our emotions, there was divine love and intention — that we would (through Christ) walk in freedom, joy, love, peace, even pure bliss, and every good thing. And that’s when it occurred to me like fresh baked revy from heaven, God is the creator of beautiful things.

I walked away from that afternoon’s conversation with so much conviction to guard my mind with the shield of truth, to allow the revelations of who God is and who I am to marinate until my mind is renewed and actually transformed. The joy of sincere repentance overcame me. And what I learned from all of this is this: it is foolishly dangerous to use revelations to bring us out of trouble into a feel-good state only to forget them, because even the strongest emotions will not sustain us before another hiccup comes down the road. True victory and triumphant transformation will take place when we hold onto God’s word for dear life until we can stand upon it and move forward. And the good news is, God is, to a very great degree, generous with revelation. Ah. All of a sudden “sanctification” sounds so sweet. It’s that life-long journey that I used to hate hearing about, that process to be like Christ, to step into our intended design until one day we can actually walk in the radiating fullness of it all. The original design, what a thought.

10.26.13
I know I’m not aged and well-experienced to say much about life, but if there’s one thing I’d like to exhort to the big dreamers (whether your dreams are still dormant/unrecognized, or already manifest) it’s this: find yourself and know who you are. TADAA! It sounds like an obvious no-brainer huh? Maybe it’s even something ridiculously cliche, but I am convinced that it ought be our primary task.
This year, after months of what I call “walking through the wilderness,” I finally have entered the arena. I’m here, fighting my fight and making steady advancements to do the will that has been predestined for my life. A few slaps in the face every week, and I can’t say it’s smooth sailing or easy. I mean, if you’re unfortunate enough, you might find me shedding a tear (or few) in the Seoul subway or on my 5 minute walks home. It’s hard and my emotions go wild sometimes, but, my mind is coming around to grasp the fact that the baby steps I take each day are equipping me with greater strength, and taking me further than if I hadn’t stepped into the arena at all. 
This afternoon I was recounting all the moments of faithfulness, and I realized that God is so wise. It occurred to me that If He had allowed me to be where I am just a season sooner than I had been, the likelihood of me falling apart—10 out of 10. Let me put it like this—If I did not know who I was and what I was actually capable of, then there’s no way I could have possibly been sustained up till now. What felt like the wilderness to me just last year, was actually the path towards self-discovery and concretely patting down my identity on unshakable grounds. You might know who you think you are, and that might be subject to how you feel or what you appear to be doing in the present moment (which…may not always look too pretty, haha). But the truth of who we are, I realized, is drawn from our maker, and we can find it when we look in the words of life. Knowing that has got to be the first step towards any destiny, towards any dream. Once that’s set, I can’t say that the road gets easier per se, but I do think that it’s pretty fulfilling. The pockets of genuine joy I feel throughout the week (amidst my momentary breakdowns) along with the constant support I feel and the relationships I’ve garnered along the way makes it all very worth it. Find yourself, and know who you are. 

I know I’m not aged and well-experienced to say much about life, but if there’s one thing I’d like to exhort to the big dreamers (whether your dreams are still dormant/unrecognized, or already manifest) it’s this: find yourself and know who you are. TADAA! It sounds like an obvious no-brainer huh? Maybe it’s even something ridiculously cliche, but I am convinced that it ought be our primary task.

This year, after months of what I call “walking through the wilderness,” I finally have entered the arena. I’m here, fighting my fight and making steady advancements to do the will that has been predestined for my life. A few slaps in the face every week, and I can’t say it’s smooth sailing or easy. I mean, if you’re unfortunate enough, you might find me shedding a tear (or few) in the Seoul subway or on my 5 minute walks home. It’s hard and my emotions go wild sometimes, but, my mind is coming around to grasp the fact that the baby steps I take each day are equipping me with greater strength, and taking me further than if I hadn’t stepped into the arena at all. 

This afternoon I was recounting all the moments of faithfulness, and I realized that God is so wise. It occurred to me that If He had allowed me to be where I am just a season sooner than I had been, the likelihood of me falling apart—10 out of 10. Let me put it like this—If I did not know who I was and what I was actually capable of, then there’s no way I could have possibly been sustained up till now. What felt like the wilderness to me just last year, was actually the path towards self-discovery and concretely patting down my identity on unshakable grounds. You might know who you think you are, and that might be subject to how you feel or what you appear to be doing in the present moment (which…may not always look too pretty, haha). But the truth of who we are, I realized, is drawn from our maker, and we can find it when we look in the words of life. Knowing that has got to be the first step towards any destiny, towards any dream. Once that’s set, I can’t say that the road gets easier per se, but I do think that it’s pretty fulfilling. The pockets of genuine joy I feel throughout the week (amidst my momentary breakdowns) along with the constant support I feel and the relationships I’ve garnered along the way makes it all very worth it. Find yourself, and know who you are. 

9.24.13

I’d like everybody to think of a statement by Terence. The statement is: I am a human being, nothing human can be alien to me. If you can internalize at least portion of that, you will never be able to say of a criminal act “I couldn’t do that,” no matter how heinous a crime. If a human being did it, you have to say ”I have in me all the components that are in her, or in him. I intend to use my energies constructively as opposed to destructively.”

If you could do that about the negative, just think what you could do about the positive. If a human being dreams a great dream, dares to love somebody…If a human being dares to be Martin King, or Mahatma Gandhi, or Mother Teresa, or Malcolm X…If a human being dares to be bigger than the condition into which he or she was born, that means so can you. And so, you can try to stretch, stretch, stretch yourself so you can internalize,"I am a human being, nothing human can be alien to me. That’s one thing I’m learning. -Maya Angelou

 image

9.10.13
6:15pm, it’s raining, and i’m thinking about creativity. i didn’t realize that my potential and ability to create was so stunted by feelings of “not being good enough” since forever. Had I not been set free, all this creativity would have been neglected to death. 
One of the biggest creativity killers, i find, is this obstructive behavior/mentality/idea/whatever called comparison. Comparison is all about conformity and competition. According to dr. brene brown, ‘the comparison mandate becomes this crushing paradox of “fit in and stand out.” It’s not cultivate self-acceptance, belonging, and authenticity; it’s be just life everyone else but better.’ And that cripples innovation and originality more than anything else I know. It fuels unworthiness. As disgusted as I am by it, I am absolutely aware that it is a conscious choice not to fall into the tempting thoughts of self-comparison.
I’m also getting comfortable with the fact that I am not like anyone else, and I find myself becoming more and more accepting of “not fitting in.” Fitting in, I realized is assessing a situation and becoming what we need to be in order to be embraced. True belonging (which, cannot be used interchangeably with ‘fitting in’) happens when we are no one else but ourselves.
Creativity definitely requires a lot of boldness, courage and vulnerability—key words for mary koh’s current season—but it helps us stay mindful that what we bring to the platter is completely original and incomparable. I used to be so afraid of not being good enough, but, the ONLY unique contribution I will ever make in this lifetime is birthed through my creativity. And that, my friends, is worth the challenge. 

6:15pm, it’s raining, and i’m thinking about creativity. i didn’t realize that my potential and ability to create was so stunted by feelings of “not being good enough” since forever. Had I not been set free, all this creativity would have been neglected to death. 

One of the biggest creativity killers, i find, is this obstructive behavior/mentality/idea/whatever called comparison. Comparison is all about conformity and competition. According to dr. brene brown, ‘the comparison mandate becomes this crushing paradox of “fit in and stand out.” It’s not cultivate self-acceptance, belonging, and authenticity; it’s be just life everyone else but better.’ And that cripples innovation and originality more than anything else I know. It fuels unworthiness. As disgusted as I am by it, I am absolutely aware that it is a conscious choice not to fall into the tempting thoughts of self-comparison.

I’m also getting comfortable with the fact that I am not like anyone else, and I find myself becoming more and more accepting of “not fitting in.” Fitting in, I realized is assessing a situation and becoming what we need to be in order to be embraced. True belonging (which, cannot be used interchangeably with ‘fitting in’) happens when we are no one else but ourselves.

Creativity definitely requires a lot of boldness, courage and vulnerability—key words for mary koh’s current season—but it helps us stay mindful that what we bring to the platter is completely original and incomparable. I used to be so afraid of not being good enough, but, the ONLY unique contribution I will ever make in this lifetime is birthed through my creativity. And that, my friends, is worth the challenge. 

6.18.13

life lessons: patience is a virtue & good things come to those who wait. little lessons i’ve been learning this year in 2013, and a little confirmation from my orange hair color experience. it’s better to wait in patience and see things worked out than to impatiently strive to fix things. 

6.11.13
on obedience. consider that while gods ways might be completely contradictory to human reasoning, his requests are always well thought out. he considers our circumstances, he foresees what we may have to face, and amidst knowing fully the weight of his call, he extends to us an opportunity to exercise trust and step out in faith. and better yet, it is always for our good.
when we see and hear god through lenses that are molded by pain, trauma and confusion, we often don’t want anything to do with obedience. the enemy is so good at creating justifications that usher us towards forfeiting our weapons. i think wielding obedience is powerful. it requires faith and the surrender of our logic, but it always leads to straight paths, new levels, peace, and his promises fulfilled. being a person that sorta has to know the ins and outs of my steps, it brings me so much relief knowing that god thinks it all through! and i can actually let go! whew. feels reallll good.

on obedience. consider that while gods ways might be completely contradictory to human reasoning, his requests are always well thought out. he considers our circumstances, he foresees what we may have to face, and amidst knowing fully the weight of his call, he extends to us an opportunity to exercise trust and step out in faith. and better yet, it is always for our good.

when we see and hear god through lenses that are molded by pain, trauma and confusion, we often don’t want anything to do with obedience. the enemy is so good at creating justifications that usher us towards forfeiting our weapons. i think wielding obedience is powerful. it requires faith and the surrender of our logic, but it always leads to straight paths, new levels, peace, and his promises fulfilled. being a person that sorta has to know the ins and outs of my steps, it brings me so much relief knowing that god thinks it all through! and i can actually let go! whew. feels reallll good.

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