I thought this blog portal would slowly dissipate as I turned my attention to my creative outlet (The Splendor Display), where I transitioned from having my private thoughts blasted on social media to designing more of an artistic space for myself. But more than often I have things to say, and while it’s for personal reasons that I put my thoughts into writing, I also felt that sharing could possibly encourage the people who might empathize. So, if this interests you at all, go right along.
For the past month, I found myself in a deep, dark rut. The kind of rut that was so deep that the visibility of light, also known as hope, was for the very first time absent. I’ve had my fair share of ups and downs, or so I think, but never before had the urge to “give up” been such a pressing enticement. The major source of my frustrations came from the inability to understand my emotions. Let me tell you, for anyone with strong and sometimes uncontrollable emotions (like myself), the vicious cycle of going from pleasant highs to punishing lows gets tiring. After shifting again and again, you come to a point where you stop in your tracks and wonder whether this is the life you’ll just have to accept. For me, the fear of disappointment, the hatred towards emotional inconsistency, along with my utter powerlessness kept me paralyzed in the pit. I refused to stand back up this time, not knowing what I would possibly do with myself if I fell back down again. Weeks of this, and then, a friday afternoon chat with a dear friend over pretzels and americano birthed some fresh understanding, and, in a moments time, a revelation.
I have faith for many things. I believe in the profound goodness of God, and the power of Jesus Christ who defeated (past tense!) every bondage, sickness and disease 2,000 years ago. The glorious character of God, I could never question. When it came to the nitty gritty of my own emotional disposition, my incessant falling backwards to the same dreary place however, I began to wonder where Christ’s power applied. Did it? And better yet, could it? My thoughts are so strong, God created me this way I know, yet, how could God intervene something when He created it? Pause. And this is where things got twisted.
The original design. God created some people to be highly emotional, some far more than others (which explains why two people can have the same traumatic experience and one overcomes while the other succumbs to tragedy). But the original intent of creating mankind was — according to Genesis — to bless them. God did not (!!) create emotional people so that we would struggle in the tides of repeated despair while the more level headed folks could reap the cream of the crops, no. In making us highly susceptible to our emotions, there was divine love and intention — that we would (through Christ) walk in freedom, joy, love, peace, even pure bliss, and every good thing. And that’s when it occurred to me like fresh baked revy from heaven, God is the creator of beautiful things.
I walked away from that afternoon’s conversation with so much conviction to guard my mind with the shield of truth, to allow the revelations of who God is and who I am to marinate until my mind is renewed and actually transformed. The joy of sincere repentance overcame me. And what I learned from all of this is this: it is foolishly dangerous to use revelations to bring us out of trouble into a feel-good state only to forget them, because even the strongest emotions will not sustain us before another hiccup comes down the road. True victory and triumphant transformation will take place when we hold onto God’s word for dear life until we can stand upon it and move forward. And the good news is, God is, to a very great degree, generous with revelation. Ah. All of a sudden “sanctification” sounds so sweet. It’s that life-long journey that I used to hate hearing about, that process to be like Christ, to step into our intended design until one day we can actually walk in the radiating fullness of it all. The original design, what a thought.